Goldilocks and the Three Cocks

HER: One of the many things we love about our ‘lifestyle’ vacations is the opportunity to people watch. This is something we enjoy everywhere we go, but it takes on a new dimension when everyone is naked. While I like to look at both sexes, the men are especially interesting. Out on the beach, flaccid in the full light of day, you get to witness the full gamut of cock sizes and shapes. The variety is astounding.

HIM: Oh, ok – so we’re going there? It’s so easy for you to casually mention the wide range of masculine endowment, but it is a source of tremendous anxiety for many men. I’ve always hated reading that our society sets an impossible standard of attractiveness for women while men are unencumbered by esteem issues. Nothing could be further from the truth! And nowhere is the potential for self-hatred greater than when it comes to cock size. It’s primal, and powerful, and men are completely unconvinced by reports that women barely care. From the first time we undress in a locker room, we are comparing ourselves with other guys

HER: As girls, all most of us know is what we see in porn until we start having sex. I imagine there are a lot of disappointed (or relieved) girls out there who undress their first guy to find a cock that’s hardly recognizable as the same species as the giant ones in the movies.

My first live cock belonged to my high school sweetheart. I learned all I knew about a male body from him. And he did give me the full porn star experience. He had a good nine inches (of course we measured it!). Since porn was the only other reference I had, and he was basically porn worthy, I just figured every guy was that big. But it wasn’t quite what the movies advertised. It was fun to play with, but sex was always a little painful. Believe it or not, slamming on the cervix actually hurts! After five years with him, I believed that sex was always going to be uncomfortable for me.

My second cock was the polar opposite. The man was great with his tongue, but he had to be, because he was lucky if he hit four inches when he was fully erect. Don’t get me wrong, he was nice and thick, so I didn’t complain, but there were some positions that were just out of the question. I love it from behind with my legs squeezed together (a technique I learned to deal with the giant cock), and that was tricky for him. He just couldn’t reach. To make matters worse, he had a droopy sack that hung down well below the action man. It wasn’t hot.

Then there’s you, my love. Cock one was too big, cock two was too small, but cock three is juuuust right. You have the most perfect one I’ve ever seen. First, you were, at that point, the only circumcised man I had slept with. As much as the idea of slicing off the foreskin of a perfectly healthy baby boy (unless you have a religious reason) seems kind of abhorrent to me, I have to admit, I like it. I had to adjust my hand job technique a little, but I think the look (and smell, at least with some guys – sorry) is an improvement. And your ball sack is nice and tight, so your thick six inches stands out the way it should. You’re an outstanding specimen.

HIM: Well, all of that is very nice of you to say. (The first lesson at girlfriend school, which you seem to have taken to heart, is to compliment the fuck out of your man’s penis.) But let’s be real – it doesn’t hurt my feelings if you say other men have attractive cocks. You must admit that big penises look great, I suppose as long as you don’t have to experience it with your cervix.

HER: Sure. I guess big ones are impressive looking. But I’ve only recently come to believe that ANY cock looks good. I honestly spent much of my life believing that both men’s and women’s private bits were strictly utilitarian, not there to look good. I liked cock (and pussy), but I didn’t really care how they looked. It’s only been since we’ve spent a lot of time on naked beaches that I’ve acquired a sense of attractive and unattractive ones. Even so, if I like someone, I’m not going to let the aesthetics of their nether regions dissuade me from going down on them, unless it’s completely hideous.

So tell me, baby, are you actually insecure about your cock?

HIM: I think of myself as successful, intelligent, fit, reasonably good looking and, yes – terribly insecure about my cock. Not always, but sometimes. On the one hand, I know it’s stupid, but on the other hand, it seems like a hard-wired male vulnerability. Part of the problem for men is the variability of their size. My erect cock is always the same six inches, but when flaccid, the range is ridiculous. Sometimes it’s full looking, sometimes deflated and small. I have no idea what causes either extreme. It’s really like I have two, or even four, different cocks, and I never know which one is going to show up. And please, let’s not talk about my balls. The randomness is crushing.

You can tell me that you don’t care about size, and I will actually believe you, until I see a guy with a big cock – perhaps merely a slightly bigger one than mine – and I think it looks undeniably better. Then I almost feel angry that you won’t acknowledge it, like ‘why don’t you just admit that I’m an inferior specimen?’ It’s crazy.

HER: That is completely crazy. There are a wide variety of penises, and size is certainly not the only determinant of appeal. I suppose the corollary for women is breast size. I spent decades feeling very insecure about my tiny titties. I felt like I had a birth defect — like I was missing an earlobe or something. Sure, it’s non-essential and cosmetic, but I didn’t have what everyone else seemed to have. And, as much as the men I slept with swore they didn’t care, I felt sub-standard. But, the more boobs I see on the beach, the more I realize the biggest ones are very rarely the nicest. I feel the same way about cocks. I’ve seen a crazy variety: small ones that look nice and compact, and ‘innies’ that retreat when not in use (surprisingly common). I’ve seen big cocks that have weird discolouration, droopy foreskins, or low-hanging balls. It’s not always pretty out there.

HIM: I know. I hear that litany of grossness and I think we men are pretty disgusting. I guess it’s the same old story – human beings are endlessly inventive when it comes to finding things to hate themselves over.

HER: But the real truth is, attractiveness, even when naked, always comes down to personality. If you’re confident, kind, smart, or funny (or all of those things), that’s worth so much more than an extra few inches down there. I swear.