Fear of Fucking



HER: If opening up your relationship is a fantasy you hope to make a reality, you might imagine that having sex with other people is all fun and easy. Just mix three or more horny people together and let the carnal geometry unfold.

HIM: If only! That certainly hasn’t been the case for me. In fact, I feel badly if we have contributed to that misperception. Because the truth is, I have had erection struggles since the very beginning of our journey, and that has shaped my entire experience of the lifestyle. Continue reading

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Confessions of an Orgasm Faker

AA_Nan Goldin

Nan Goldin, The Ballad of Sexual Dependency, 1979-1995

HER: The house party was in full swing. I was lying in the middle of a mattress with the third person of the evening licking my pussy, doing their damnedest to make me come. There were no hard cocks around me, and I was nearly crying in frustration. Try as I might, I just could not crest the mountain. I considered faking it to make the guy feel better and end it, as I have done so many times before, but I didn’t have the energy this time. I can’t fake it anymore.

Confession: I’m shit at climaxing. There. I said it.

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Playing Separately

AA_Torii Kiyonobu - Erotic Contest of Flowers - c1710

Torii Kiyonobu, EROTIC CONTEST OF FLOWERS, c. 1710

HER: I’ve listened to three podcasts in the past month where well-known lifestyle personalities have expressed their discomfort with separate room play. Each of them said they would ‘never’ have sex without their patner present. And I understand where they’re coming from. We used to feel the same way.

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Naughty in N’awlins


Thomas Couture, Les Romains de la Décadence, 1847

HER: When I was a kid, I ate an entire chocolate easter bunny in one sitting (who hasn’t?). And, of course, I got sick. I remember my mom saying something about too much of a good thing. Naughty in N’awlins was a little like that Easter bunny. Continue reading

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Swingers Take Italy

Chagall-Nude-over-Vitebsk 1933
Marc Chagall, Nude Over Vitebsk, 1933

HIM: There are two kinds of travellers. Tourists take in all the sights, but never get past the superficial. They remain outsiders. Adventurers connect with real people. They get to see things from an insider’s perspective. We always talk about how much the lifestyle has changed the way we live, and last month it happened again: the lifestyle turned a couple of Tourists into International Sex Adventurers. Continue reading

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Anal Sex

_A Venus Callypige 4

Unknown Sculptor, Venus Callipyge (Roman copy of a Greek original), 1st Century BCE

HIM: I remember being in an online chat room many years ago when a woman I was interested in asked me what my top three fantasies were. “Anal sex, anal sex, and anal sex,” I replied.

HER: Wow, you were quite the charmer!

HIM: I know. It’s embarrassing looking back now. One of the Golden Rules of online profiles is never lead with anal sex.

HER: Making it all three of your top three fantasies is a little aggressive. So, did you get the girl?

HIM: Actually, I did. But that was obviously in spite of my adolescent enthusiasm, not because of it. And, no, we never actually had anal sex.

HER: Great story.

HIM: In my defense, though, I don’t think it was about asking for the dirtiest thing I could think of. In my mind, anal sex is all about intimacy.

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Breaking The Rules

Electric Underground Inka Essenhigh

Inka Essenhigh, ‘Electric Underground’, 2013

HIM: Max seemed to be silently fuming as I stood beside him in the door to our family room. By the fireplace was a massage table, and lying on that massage table was his wife, Melissa, naked and clearly in a state of bliss. You were looking pretty happy yourself, baby, as you and two male accomplices rubbed Melissa down with hot coconut oil. I asked Max if he and Melissa had discussed their boundaries for this type of scenario in advance, and the lid popped off his simmering rage — quietly, but unmistakably.

“No,” he replied, “we didn’t at all. In fact, we had one of the biggest fights of our marriage just this afternoon. I don’t see how she can magically become a totally different person so quickly.” I asked him if he wanted me to go over and diplomatically put an end to it. He told me not to bother. “She’s free to do what she wants,” he said, with a note of bitter resignation,  “but that doesn’t mean I have to stand here and watch it.” As he walked away, I worried that we might have inadvertently made their already rocky relationship worse by inviting them to this party.

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Sex Therapy

Self Portrait with Skeleton Marina Abramovic 2003

Marina Abramovic, Self Portrait with Skeleton, 2003

HER: What happens when swingers lose the desire to have sex?

HIM: Not much swinging.

HER: Nope. Or much of anything in the bedroom. This has been our reality for the past several months.

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Mind the Gap: Age Differences in the Lifestyle

R. B. Kitaj, No. 22, 2002

R. B. Kitaj, No. 22, 2002

HIM: There is a lot of talk on the internet these days about longevity. If you listen to the Joe Rogan podcast, it seems like every second guest has a strategy for living until you’re 150. Various approaches to diet, fasting, and supplementation are put forward with extravagant claims. Our society is clearly obsessed by the subject of age.  A recent article in The Atlantic magazine featured one of the most depressing clickbait headlines ever. “A massive new study finds that a woman’s desirability peaks 32 years before a man’s does.” That’s 18 years old for the ladies and 50 for the gentlemen, in case you were wondering. As usual, it seems custom-designed to make the maximum number of people feel terrible about themselves. Continue reading

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The Showdown: Hedonism II vs Desire Pearl

Picassso LE SAUVETAGE 1932

Pablo Picasso, LE SAUVETAGE, 1932

HER: If you’re a regular consumer of lifestyle podcasts and blogs, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Desire is the only swinger-friendly resort out there. When Hedonism does get mentioned, it’s quite often in a dismissive fashion. It’s as if all the cool kids are hanging out in Cancun, Mexico while the wannabe’s are relegated to Negril, Jamaica.

HIM: I have to admit, that attitude makes me feel a little defensive of Hedonism. Of course it has its weaknesses, but we have so much history there. However, after ten trips to Jamaica in four years, even I had to admit it was time for a change. So, instead of spending New Year’s Eve at Hedo this year, as we usually do, we opted to book a week at Desire Riviera Maya Pearl. Continue reading

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