Male Bisexuality: An Experiment

Family Tree 1991 by Gilbert & George born 1943, born 1942

Gilbert & George ‘FAMILY TREE’ 1991

HIM:  In our first year of blogging, we’ve published 39 articles on our sexual adventures. We’ve written about threesomes and foursomes; cock size and boob jobs; sex clubs and lifestyle resorts. Which one do you think had the most readers?

HER: Probably the one about nude photography.  The title is good click bait.

HIM: You’re close: that was our second most popular. But it turns out that our most viewed piece was the one on male bisexuality called The Lifestyle has a Bi(g) Problem. It was about how almost every female swinger seems to be bi-something while their male partners go to great lengths to proclaim themselves 100% straight. Looking back at that article now, it seems somewhat clinical, just the two of us talking about people’s attitudes. But I did admit that I was interested in experimenting in that direction.

HER: I’ll say. Until March of last year, you had never had any sexual contact with another male. Now, nine months later, you’ve had four separate experiences. You’ve gone from bi-curious to bi-comfortable in pretty short order.

HIM: Really? Four?

HER: Ok, let’s go through the list. First of all, there was Pierre of Pierre and Leanne. We knew he was interested in guy-on-guy play right from the beginning because his online profile said he was bi-curious.  And sure enough, the first time we got naked with them he asked if he could touch your cock.

HIM: You’re right! I remember saying no  — not because I was against it in principle, but because I didn’t want to over-complicate our first time together.

HER: In our three our four times with them, he got as far as sucking your cock, and you touched his. It was very hot for me, mostly because it was so new and ‘forbidden’. How was that first experience for you?

HIM:  Not so hot. I really like that couple. They’re wonderful people and they’ve become good friends, but for some reason I struggled with arousal, in general, every time we were with them.

HER: Did you feel pressured by the bi expectation with him, or was it something else?

HIM: Well, the number one issue is that I’m overwhelmingly straight. Imperfections that I could easily handle in a woman can become deal-breakers with a man. For example, while I prefer a bare pussy, I don’t find some pubic hair off-putting in a woman at all. But I’ve discovered that, with a guy, he’s got to be completely clean-shaven, and Pierre was basically au naturel down there.

HER: Is that really your only objection? A little body hair can’t be enough to completely put you off, can it?

HIM: Actually, it can be. My same-sex attraction is pretty tenuous. Remember, I can be a little Seinfeldian in my fixation on minor imperfections. With either sex.

HER: That definitely seemed to be the situation for both of us with your next man-on-man experience. Kevin and Laura were a couple we had high hopes for, partly because his online profile also proclaimed that he was bisexual.

HIM: This time body hair wasn’t an issue, but his approach was all wrong for me. He ‘man-handled’ me, so to speak.

HER: Well, duh, he’s a man.

HIM: His touch was rough. He stroked my cock with a reckless enthusiasm that I found the opposite of sexy.

HER: Was it painful?

HIM: Only psychologically.

HER:  You’re funny. But why didn’t you just ask him to tone it down? I frequently have to give new partners gentle instructions about how I like to be touched.

HIM: If that’s all it was, I  might have. But the chemistry was lacking with both him and his girlfriend, and I could sense it was the same for you.

HER: True. He was way more attractive in his photos than in real life.We never saw them again. Then along came Ryan and Natasha. We had an immediate connection with them. It was one of the rare times we played on the first date. With them, we didn’t discover he was open to bi-action until we were all naked.

HIM: Things were going well when Ryan announced that one of the reasons we caught their attention was my recent addition of the ‘bi-comfortable’ label on our online profile. This was a bit of a curveball because his profile said he was straight, but it was not an unpleasant one. I felt some chemistry with him, and he was clean-shaven, so when he asked if he could touch my cock, I honestly couldn’t think of a single objection.

HER: And when you reciprocated and stroked his, I was giddy.

That early positive experience with Ryan and Natasha continued through our next few visits with them. You and Ryan seemed to enjoy reaching across us women to touch each other, and each time seemed a little easier and more natural. Unfortunately, they live far from us and their lives have gotten complicated. When it seemed like we were losing momentum with them, we received a note from a couple who were very open about their interest in exploring both of their bi-sexual sides.

HIM: Steve and Monique checked all the right boxes for us. They were not only smart and attractive, they also lived close by.  Nevertheless, things progressed cautiously.  They were in a fairly new relationship and it was their first foray into full, four-way swapping.

HER: We saw them three times socially before we got naked. Maybe that slow pace (and your frequent texting with her) was what allowed you to feel more comfortable with them. On the fourth date, we ended up back at our place. We had some wine and split up into partners: Steve and I went up to the bedroom and you and Monique lingered in the kitchen.  He and I were already naked and raring to go by the time you two arrived upstairs. As I lay on the bed with Steve’s head between my legs, I watched you slowly undress Monique. It was nice to see the relaxed intimacy between you.

HIM: We definitely had a solid connection, but I was looking forward to turning our separate twosomes into a foursome. I maneuvered the two of us over to the bed where she went down on me while Steve started to fuck you. Within short order, we began cycling through an acrobatic array of positions. It was the most creative foursome we’ve had yet.

HER: The highlight for me was when you were up on your knees with Monique’s head between your legs. She was sucking your balls and licking your ass. I had been sucking Steve’s cock at a right angle to you two when he reached over and started stroking you. I lay back and touched myself, trying to just take in the scene as you returned the favor for him. The two of you masturbated each other for a minute with us girls making appreciative noises. And then it happened. You leaned over and put his cock in your mouth!

HIM: I’ve always been a ‘today’s the day’ kind of person. I had decided that morning that, if it felt right, I would try oral with a man for the first time. When he touched me, I knew it was going to happen. There was no awkward repositioning required — I just had to lean into it — so I didn’t have time to overthink it or chicken out. And the fact that both women seemed so turned on made it easier.

HER: A lot of things about that night are getting fuzzy in my memory thanks to the wine and acrobatics, but the image of you taking him to your mouth is seared in my mind. I’ve thought about it frequently since. It was very hot.

HIM: It still blows me away that you are so turned on by me having sexual contact with a man. My ex-wife was the total opposite. Once, on vacation, I made the mistake of telling her that I thought our waiter had ‘sensuous eyelashes’

HER: What?! Ok, that’s a weird thing to say.

HIM: Even now I don’t know exactly what I could have meant by it. Anyway, for years afterward she regularly reminded me how distasteful that comment was for her.

HER: Well, thankfully you weren’t weird about Steve that night. After you sucked him for a bit (somewhat tentatively, I have to say), he went down on you, and you stayed hard.  The whole thing was a fairly brief part of a long evening, but it left an indelible impression on me.

HIM: For me, the experience was a success because you were so enthusiastic about it. It’s all about you baby!

HER: Well, that’s nice of you to say, but there are lots of men who love their wives yet wouldn’t suck a cock for them. There’s got to be a desire within you that my encouragement simply makes acceptable. Maybe you can only allow yourself to indulge YOUR fantasy by telling yourself it’s really MY fantasy that you’re fulfilling. But did you actually enjoy it? Did it turn you on?

HIM: Oh, don’t get me wrong. I occasionally masturbated to same-sex fantasies growing up. I don’t deny it was a turn-on for me long before you came along. And I did enjoy the real thing in the same way I tend to experience most of our new sexual encounters: it’s not super arousing in the moment, but the real reward is the turn on later when I relive the events in memory (i.e. the thought is turning me on now just discussing it with you!).  I guess this bi adventure is a little like going to the gym: I get some enjoyment out of it in the moment, and I know it’s a good investment in my future happiness, but I’m more motivated to go if you come with me. Sometimes we just need a cheerleader to do the things we want to do.

HER: Well, sweetie, you’ve definitely found yourself a cheerleader in me!

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When life gets in the way: Anxiety and Sex

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Egon Schiele FEMALE NUDE 1918

HER: F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said, “There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy, and the tired.” We’ve spent a lot of time being both the pursued and the pursuing in the sexual journey we’ve been on for the past few years, but these last six months have left us firmly in the last two categories: busy and tired, with little energy for sex and even less for writing about it.

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Consent is Sexy

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Roy Lichtenstein ‘Two Nudes from the Nude Series’ 1994

HIM: It seems you can’t turn around lately without hearing about the issue of consent. The Stanford Rape Case, in which an elite varsity athlete was discovered attempting to have sex with an unconscious woman behind a frat house, is only the most recent high-profile example.

Stories like this are shocking to read about, but daily life abounds with many less extreme examples. Although the Lifestyle is generally populated by people with progressive, sex-positive attitudes, it is not a paradise of enlightenment. The problem for swingers is that, because you’re up for more than the average person, some people seem to think that means you’re up for everything.

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Nude Pool Party

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David Hockney ‘Peter Getting out of Nick’s Pool’ 1966

 

HIM: I’m not much for pools. I think of swimming as a handy skill to have if your canoe tips over, but not the kind of thing a person with options would do for fun. When it came time for us to move in together, however, one of the features near the top of your wishlist was a backyard with a pool. I was more concerned about other things until you whispered those three magic words to me in the real estate agent’s office.

Nude Pool Party. Continue reading

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Big (Black) Cock

 

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Marlene Dumas ‘Couples’ 1994

HIM: On a recent episode of Dan Savage’s ‘Savage Love’ podcast, he took a call that was both shocking and poignant. A black man in the Southern U.S. phoned in to talk about his experience working as an escort while in college to help pay his bills. One night, a client — a middle-aged white woman — asked him if he was willing to do anything to please her. He agreed, not sure what she had in mind. Arriving at her home, she asked him to join her upstairs in the bedroom. When he walked in the door, he was surprised to see the woman’s husband sitting on a chair in the corner. She asked if it was ok for her husband to watch and, though he felt somewhat uncomfortable, he agreed. Once they were having sex, however, the husband started saying racially-charged things to his wife like “fuck that nigger dick” (God, even quoting it feels disgusting). Although he was troubled by the turn of events, the young man persevered. Afterward the woman tried to explain that her husband wasn’t a racist, but that he simply got off on the taboo. Now, many years later, as a husband and father, he feels traumatized by this memory he had managed to suppress for such a long time. Continue reading

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Real Talks: Massage Parlors

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Pablo Picasso ‘Les Demoiselles d’Avignon’ 1907

HER: We’ve all seen them: the flashing neon ‘massage’ sign in a conspicuous location in an industrial park, or the ‘spa’ located on the second-floor of a downtown walk up. It’s usually obvious by the suggestive names that these are not the sorts of places you’d go to ease your lower back pain, or get a nice mani/pedi. I had always wondered, with a mixture of fascination and repulsion, what goes on in those places.

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Hurts So Good

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Andrea Mantegna ‘St. Sebastian (detail)’ 1480

HER: On a recent weekend trip with our new favourite couple, I found myself on all fours while you knelt behind me, spanking my ass and pussy. I looked around at one point, and you, without anyone near your cock, were rock hard. Our friends were offering occasional touches, but mainly standing back to enjoy the show. In the midst of all this, I wondered, ‘what is it about pain that can be so arousing?’

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Breaking Up is Hard to Do

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Peter Paul Rubens ‘The Judgment of Paris’ 1636

HIM: Everyone gets into the world of swinging because they want to get together with other people. The truth is, however, that you’ll probably do more breaking up than hooking up. For every couple you say yes to, there will probably be several you have to say no to. Continue reading

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Other Voices, Other Rooms

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Marlene Dumas ‘Couples’ 1994

HIM: Sometimes I feel like we’re very experienced in the lifestyle, but at other times the truth becomes obvious: we’re really just getting started, and a million miles from having it all figured out. Or anything figured out. And that’s actually a good thing.

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Real Talks: Sex and Drugs

 

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Damien Hirst ‘The Tears of Jesus (detail)’ 2003

HIM: Have I mentioned here before that, during my first marriage, I wasn’t completely faithful?

HER: I think we’ve hinted at it.

HIM: Okay, well, let me spell it out: during my 26 year sex-starved marriage I had two affairs, both lasting about 18 months. Now, this isn’t an article about affairs (which we’ll definitely have to talk about in a future article), but they play a role in the subject I want to explore.

HER: Baby, didn’t we just talk about starting our articles with more clarity and impact? This is terrible so far. What exactly do you want to discuss?

HIM: Alright, I want to talk about sex and pharmaceuticals. Continue reading

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