HER: Okay, guys, you’ve got me all to yourself this time. Huddle up. I’m going to let you in on a few secrets to succeeding with the ladies, not just in the lifestyle, but in life in general. Unfortunately, to most effectively illustrate what I’m talking about, I’m going to have to pick on some people I actually like very much. Hopefully their stories will help our readers avoid the mistakes these otherwise great guys have made.
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Case 1: Mr. Never Surrender
Our first case study involves a ‘stick to it’ kind of guy when it comes to pleasing a woman. Sounds great, right? Well, up to a point. He was a guest at our first pool party last year. After most people had gone inside, he and I stayed out by the pool on an inflatable mattress. He went down on me, and it was quite good. Then he started licking my ass, which was also pretty good. After about 15 minutes, he tried to put a condom on, but he wasn’t hard enough. So he kept licking. After another 10-15 minutes, he got the condom on but couldn’t stay hard enough to get it in. And so on. After maybe forty minutes of having my privates over-serviced with my legs over my shoulders — broken only by occasional attempts at sex — I was numb and cramping up. It wasn’t fun anymore, and the poor guy was exhausted and frustrated.
Now, I am well acquainted with men having performance issues when the pressure is on (sorry, sweetie!). And I would imagine most women in the lifestyle have encountered some version of this situation. Guys, it may seem like an indictment of your manhood, but it’s honestly okay if it doesn’t work. News flash: we often aren’t all that aroused either. We will be patient and understanding. But there’s a fine line between determination and desperation. Don’t cross it. If you can’t get it up, do what you can to please the woman in other ways. Maybe try a sensual massage to show her you care about her pleasure and to give yourself a break. But know when to draw the line. If the girl’s done and you still have no erection in sight, it’s time to give her a kiss and offer to go get her a drink. Bowing out graciously is preferable to beating a dead horse. She might even be more impressed by your grace under pressure than if you fucked her like the stud you desperately wanted to be.
Case 2: Mr. Thrusty
Our next guy was new to the lifestyle. We felt instantly attracted to him and his wife, and they were very eager to jump into the deep end of swinging. We were their first full swap. Unfortunately, that eagerness did not translate to a great sexual experience for me. How do I say this — the guy fucked me like a dog. And not in a good way. He hunched over me the whole time and thrust so fast and shallow that there was no time for enjoyment or connection.
Alright, this might seem obvious, but take it easy guys. Despite what porn might have taught you, most girls don’t want to be drilled by your cock at top speed. A little of that is fun, but if that’s all you’ve got, we have a problem. Honestly, I like it deep and fairly slow if I’m going to come. And even swingers prefer a little connection with the person they’re having sex with. If your head is buried in the pillow as you thrust away endlessly, you might as well be with a sex doll. Try to look at the girl, at least some of the time. Get upright, touch her breasts, make eye contact, throw her legs over your shoulders. Then, if you need to get into your hunched over position to come, at least you’ve acknowledged the woman’s involvement in the process. And remember – no girl in the history of sex has ever been offended when a new partner has asked ‘is this working for you?’
Case 3 & 4: Mr. Possessive and Mr. Aloof
Once you’ve had a successful playtime with a woman, how do you greet her the next time you meet? As always, there’s a right and a wrong way. I’ve experienced two different wrong ways, actually, and neither felt good.
The first wrong approach was being too possessive or presumptuous. After having an evening at a hotel with a couple earlier this year, we saw them again twice: once unexpectedly at a club and then again on a swingers’ bus tour. Both times, the guy attached himself to me in a kind of possessive ‘boyfriendy’ way. He would come up behind me and wrap his arms around me while kissing my neck and letting his hands roam all over me. He didn’t seem to notice that I stiffened up and never touched him back. I was annoyed because, not only was he aggressively ‘assuming the sale’ without any encouragement from me, it made it tricky to make new friends. Everyone just assumed I was already spoken for.
So you might be thinking ‘ok, I’ve got it – just play it cool’, but the second wrong approach was actually playing it too cool. After an amazing night with a single guy last year, we saw him a few weeks later at a house party. When I approached him and went in for a kiss hello, he pulled away and looked around sheepishly. I asked something like, “What? No kiss?” He hedged and said something about it being his first party and not being sure about protocol. I felt hurt. I certainly didn’t expect to pick up right where we left off, but I did expect a greeting that reflected the fact that we weren’t complete strangers.
So how do you strike a balance? I know it’s hard, but you have to try to play it cool without playing it too cool. Play it warm, maybe? Being mildly flirty and touchy are always good, whether you’ve just met or you’ve already seen her O-face. And if you hope to sleep with a girl again, which this guy definitely did, you need to make her feel attractive and appreciated. Hugs and compliments always work well. Just don’t presume you’re the only man in the room, or that sleeping with someone once means you get to hook up every time you see them. The purpose of this whole non-monogamy thing is having the freedom to have multiple connections. If you crowd your play partner, you might find her initial attraction quickly fizzles as she starts to feel boxed in.
Case 5: Mr. Mung-Mouth
This one should be a no-brainer, but I’ve actually encountered this situation at least three times: dudes with off-puttingly bad oral hygiene. The first time was a single guy we met at Hedonism. He was a nice guy with a pleasant face and an amazing cock. I actually gave him a blow job on the catamaran cruise just to see how big it was when he was hard. But I couldn’t bring myself to have him come back to the room with us when we saw him at the pool the next day. He had so much plaque build-up between his teeth, and such bad breath as a result, I just couldn’t imagine kissing him or letting him go down on me. Everything else was great, and if he had simply flossed a couple times a week, he could totally have fucked me.
This brings up a very important issue in the lifestyle, and that is the neccessity of having an honest partner-in-crime. Every time I meet a man or woman with bad breath, or body odour, I think ‘where is your husband?’ or ‘how did your wife not let you know you had a problem’? We owe that to each other. Even if you’re single in the lifestyle, you need a wing man (or wing girl?) who is willing to tell it to you straight.
Case 6: Mr. Domineering
For the last case study, we have a man whose personality would be too big for most rooms. We met this new couple for dinner a few months ago, and the man completely dominated the conversation all night. His partner only had a chance to speak when I specifically asked her questions, and even then, he often jumped in and took over her answer, claiming she was shy. This struck me as strange, because she had a fairly high-powered job and seemed quite intelligent. I’m sure she had lots to say. A few weeks later, when a family emergency kept them from coming to our pool party at the last minute, he told us he would “make her apologize”. Make her apologize? I’m not a big fan of that approach with six year olds. But sure enough, she phoned the next day, and she must have used the word ‘sorry’ at least ten times.
I think I speak for most women when I say I’m not really interested in a man who steamrolls his wife, whether that’s in conversation or emotionally. That woman should have had a chance to connect with us in her own words and she should not have had to feel terrible about an unavoidable situation. Any indication that a man doesn’t treat women right is a huge turn-off. And remember – there are no passengers in the lifestyle. If we are meeting a couple for the first time, we want to come away with a feeling for both people as individuals. If you’re not giving your partner room to express herself, you’re probably hurting your own chance of starting a new sexual adventure.
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As I mentioned at the start, each of the guys I just described was really nice. Common decency was not the issue. In some cases, the problem was almost certainly nervousness. In other cases, alcohol was at least a contributing factor. Like everything else in life, it comes down to seeing yourself as others see you. It’s tricky, but it can definitely be done.
The lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. Think about it: most of the world is trying, and often failing, to be a good sexual partner for just one person. Yet here you are trying to accomplish that feat for two or twenty (or two hundred, for all I know) other individuals. Each one of them has their own quirks and preferences. So the only way you’re going to make this work is if you’re flexible and highly focused on the other person.
Don’t force something that isn’t happening.
Check in with a new partner to ask if they’re liking what you’re doing.
Take a gradual, one-small-step-at-a-time approach to seduction.
Treat past or potential partners like they’re special.
Double (or triple) check your breath.
Never dominate the conversation.
Which reminds me: I know I’ve been doing all the talking here, so it’s probably time for me to shut up and listen. Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.
Liam & Kate are a married couple, very much in love, writing honestly and insightfully about their adventures in the world of non-monogamy.
I liked most of what you had to say here. The only thing was Mr possessive and Mr aloof. . But I see your point here. The thing I Ned help with is the opposite. Often a woman will see you the next time and want to do it again, because it was great for her. But maybe she wasn’t that great for me and or I want to try someone something else. How do you stop the woman’s advances properly without saying, you just didn’t do it for me?
I think if you are courteous (give her that kiss hello and a few minutes of your time to honor the fact that she shared herself with you), but don’t hang around, she’ll probably get the message. This is easier if you’re at a club or party, because you can smoothly move on to others. Maybe use going to get a drink as an excuse to slip away, then let her see you with another girl. If she doesn’t get it and let you move on — or if she keeps texting you — then, I suppose, you might have to be more explicit. But try to be gentle. No one takes rejection well. Saying you had a great time, but you want to keep experimenting with others is probably clear enough without being rude.
Concise summary of what many of us that have been in the LS a few years have experienced. I’ve been in the LS for 15 years, half as a couple & the rest as a single female. I would only add that each of us is responsible for our own pleasure. In other words, speak up! It’s ok to say, for example: I need a break. Or move this way. Do this or don’t do that. Even if you’re a couple, bc perhaps ( as in your example by the pool) your SO is not nearby. Or doesn’t actually have the ability to read minds while having fantastic sex with someone else, lol. It’s a matter of finding the right words/actions so that everyone is ok and you must always remember: if it doesn’t feel good or right, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Smile & swing on!
Absolutely. I know one of my weaknesses is being a bit of a doormat, because I’m so reluctant to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’d rather take some discomfort myself or leave that party early than make a scene or be rude to someone that I otherwise like very much. With Mr. Possessive, we did send him a carefully and gently composed note after the party (once he sobered up and there was no audience). He apologized and maybe learned a little something about his style. But you’re right, Sara, we have to take equal responsibility for our comfort and enjoyment. It wouldn’t be fair to leave it all in the laps of the men.