The Instruction Manual: What Turns Us On

AA - Balthus
Balthus (Count Balthasar Klowssoski de Rola), THE ROOM, 1954

HIM: At a recent party, I made an embarrassing mistake with a woman named Tammy we had met before but I had never played with. During one of those getting-to-know-you conversations only swingers can have, she had mentioned that she had a very sensitive clit. Like, very, very sensitive, as in “if you breathe on it gently, I might come.” Yet here I was, just two months later, giving her oral sex the way you like it, with all the tongue pressure I could bring to bear! Suddenly I remembered and looked up at her face, smiling bravely through the agony. I immediately apologized, but there was no way to turn the situation around. She was probably too numb by that point to get any pleasure out of a change in approach.

This woman had actualy gone to the trouble to tell me very specifically what she liked, yet I had completely forgotten about it months later in the heat of the action. When I told you about it afterward you joked that I should keep notes on each woman I am with, just like a major league pitcher does with the various batters he faces. But all joking aside, it got me thinking that maybe there was something to the idea, a way that would make things better for everyone.

HER: After last week’s article, a reader made a good point about how we’re each ultimately responsible for our own pleasure and that we should speak up and ask for what we want. But that’s not always easy in the moment. Sometimes more information is required than “faster,” “slower,” or “a little to the left.” There should be a way to outline what we like and don’t like in advance of getting into those tricky moments when some well-meaning man is licking our pussy into oblivion.

HIM: Baby, we actually did that once. Before you were with Justin for the first time last year (see our BBC article), I  sent him a kind of instruction manual for your body. Do you remember?

HER: Oh, I remember. That’s the sort of thing you do that makes me cringe. You are a bit of a control freak and like to set out parameters in advance for what is and is not going to happen when we get together with someone new. I don’t like that, partly because no one enjoys being dictated to, and partly because I like things to happen organically. I want to let the evening flow and just follow my instincts in the moment. But you didn’t tell me about the note until after our night with him.

HIM: I know, I should have spoken to you first before sending it. I allowed myself to get carried away with the idea of engineering a perfect experience for you with a hot single man. I thought I could almost guarantee a successful outcome with just a few helpful pointers.

HER: Well, I hate to admit it, but in the end you were right. I had an excellent time. And now that you’ve brought it up, I’m very curious about exactly what you wrote to him. I don’t think I ever saw the note, you just told me about it. Do you still have a copy of it?

HIM: Of course I do. It’s in my email. I honestly think I did a pretty good job, but take a look and tell me what you think…

Hey Justin,

Here are some things to know about K and her body that will make your time with her a better experience…

  1. She enjoys gentle ass play, but don’t put a finger, much less a cock,  in there unless she begs for it.

2. Oral sex – she loves really strong pressure from tongue on clit, and really likes having a finger inside at the same time.

3. Outside of oral sex, she generally doesn’t enjoy fingers in her vagina, except maybe to very gently stroke her g-spot. To put it another way, she does not like finger fucking.

4. She enjoys lots of firm pressure on her clit — as well as pulling it, stroking it, etc — with fingers. She even loves having her clit spanked

5. She loves having her ass spanked, but start lightly and gradually get harder.

6. Be gentle with her breasts and nipples – she doesn’t respond to rough treatment there (pulling, pinching, etc) at all.

7. She loves being manhandled, picked up, or thrown around the bed.

8. That said, she had a neck injury years ago and it can be sensitive. It’s not generally a problem, just don’t wrench her head (i.e. if you’re pulling her hair, do it firmly but slowly, without jerking her head back sharply).

9. You are big, so be careful you’re not slamming her cervix during sex. Her first husband was 9” and intercourse always hurt.

And if you’re unsure about anything, my friend, just look over at me and I’ll give you some kind of sign!

Looking forward to Friday,


HIM: So, what do you think?

HER: Well, it’s embarrassingly specific, but I’m sure it was a helpful guide for him. I do remember him following many of those instructions to my great pleasure.

HIM: Like what?

HER: He definitely got the finger action right as he was going down on me, and he did just the right amount of throwing me around/pulling my hair. I actually remember thinking at the time that it was pretty bold of him to attempt the rough stuff on our first time together, but he got it just right. It was only later when you told me about the list that I realized he had been coached in advance.

So, do you think we should send out similar lists to all our new play partners, or was this just a handbook for single guys? Would you want to get a list like this for everyone we sleep with?

HIM: I definitely would. People’s sexual preferences are unique and often complex or subtle. I’m a pleaser and I want anyone I’m with to have an outstanding time. I look at the list I made about you for Justin and, while I think of you as low-drama and easy going, you do have quite a few… quirks? Who would have thought that someone who likes having her clit spanked would flinch at having her nipples tweaked? And no one would know from looking at you that you had hurt your neck in a car accident. I’d like to know what makes the woman I’m with go crazy, and that’s not always easy to figure out. I think the problem is that men often develop ideas about what women like based on their own partner’s preferences. I hate to play into a stale stereotype, but we’re a bit like dogs: throw us a treat for getting a trick right and we’re programmed for life. I’m sure every guy who ever got it wrong with you thought he was giving you the time of your life.

HER: Sure, but I feel like sending out an instruction manual would be a little awkward. But you know, there is a less weird solution if you have a profile on a lifestyle website like Kasidie, SwingLifeStyle, Cafe Desire or Lifestyle Lounge. They all provide ways for you to share specific details about your sexual preferences. In fact, come to think of it, that’s exactly what happened last week with Dario and Melissa. Although we met them at a ‘meet and greet’ months before, we liked them immediately and ended up trading online profile names.

HIM: Right! You’re the one who had the bright idea of revisiting their profile the day they came over to do a little cramming for the final exam. And, sure enough, there was all kinds of explicit guidance in there, which is actually unusual. For example, Melissa stated that she is surprisingly enthusiastic about anal sex — also unusual — but only if both women do it. I guess she doesn’t want to turn into some kind of feature performer. She also mentioned that her erogenous zones include her feet, so I kissed my way down her legs at one point and lavished considerable attention on her toes — not generally a go-to move for me, especially not on a first time together.  But it worked like a charm. She was very appreciative.

HER: She also mentioned a few times in her profile how much she enjoyed seeing her husband pleasured. At one point, she even stated that she especially liked it when the man she was with stopped paying attention to her just to watch her partner fucking his woman. What I read between the lines was that she was a woman who cared deeply about her husband’s happiness. She’s a very attractive lady, with a nearly perfect figure (and — I can’t believe I’m saying this — the most beautiful asshole I have ever seen!). Yet it was very important to her that her man felt desired and appreciated. It made me like her even more, I made sure her husband got the royal treatment. Our evening together was more successful for the insider tips we got in advance about what turned them on and how they interacted.

HIM: This has me thinking that we should probably go to our profile now and make it a little more helpful.  I think we do a good job of describing our personalities and what we’re looking for in play partners, but there isn’t much detail for anyone who wants a roadmap to our sexual preferences. Who knows, with enough guidance, maybe every encounter could be as successful as your first time with Justin.

HER: I wish!


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