The Hot-Button Issue of Hotwifing

Pierre Bonnard, MAN AND WOMAN, 1900


HER: You don’t have to spend much time on non-monogamy blogs, chatrooms, or podcasts to come across the idea of wife-sharing. Search #hotwife or #sharedwife, and you’ll get a myriad of videos and erotica, often including words like ‘bull’ and ‘cuckold’. We’re not fans of the shaming that is often inherent in these scenarios, but we have talked about the possibility of sending me off on a date with another man. It’s an idea that I had put off for ‘maybe someday,’ but I recently got an offer I had trouble refusing. That offer forced us to confront my fears about opening us up to new possibilities such as hotwifing.

HIM: Let’s rewind a bit here. That offer you mentioned came in the form of a private message on Twitter. It was a basic note of appreciation, a high-IQ fan letter. The person who sent it was a man who you had noticed before commenting on one of your posts. And by noticed, I mean you had taken a quick glance at his photo and registered that he was very attractive.

HER: Yeah, seriously hot. But I didn’t give it much more than a passing thought until he sent me that private message. Looking at his profile more carefully, I saw that he lived in the same city as us, and that he was a pro footballer originally from Australia. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a hard-on (figuratively) for sexy accents. So when a very handsome, athletic man with a hot accent lives close by and says that he’s interested, well, the next sentence practically writes itself: “Would you like to get together for a drink sometime?”

HIM: That’s pretty predictable, knowing you the way I do. But you left out one important detail. In his original note he said that he wasn’t in the lifestyle, per se, but was in an open relationship, and that many of the issues we deal with in our blog are relevant to his journey. So when you filled me in on the whole conversation, I got excited. About a year ago I mentioned that I was interested in experimenting with a ‘hot wife’ type scenario. Again, like so much of the terminology in the lifestyle, I think that term trivializes a complex and potentially beautiful dynamic. Basically, it’s when a man asks his wife to go an a date with another man for his own pleasure. Regardless of what you call it, I thought it was a situation we could easily arrange and that might be awesome for both of us. So when you told me this guy was in an open relationship with permission to play alone, a powerful circuit in my libido lit up instantly.

HER: I could tell. At this point I was just imagining a flirty conversation with my husband and a sexy stranger on a summertime patio, but I could practically hear your gears turning. You said almost right away that I should go on a date with him. So I did a little research. He didn’t have an online profile to check out, but, because he’s an actor, it was easy to creep him online.

HIM: Hold on – I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself saying that you creeped him. Think about all the things someone knows about us if they’ve read our blog. The information disparity is yawning. They know all about our insecurities, hopes, risks and regrets. And if they follow us on Twitter they’ve seen like a hundred shots of you in various states of undress. So the fact that you tried to level the playing field just a bit by finding out what you could about this man was more than understandable.

HER: Ok. So yes, I found out that he was tall, had thick, wavy hair, beautiful blue eyes and, what can I say — that accent. And when we met, he surpassed even those initial expectations. He was gorgeous and ticked all my boxes.

HIM: The phrase ‘ticked all my boxes’ is a little too cute, don’t you think? You basically said that you’d love to fuck him.

HER: Yes, I did, but that’s where the difference in our thinking showed up. I wanted to have sex with him, but I pictured doing that with your participation. I thought we could have a threesome, or maybe you could just watch like you’ve done with single men before. I didn’t actually want to date him.

HIM: But why wouldn’t you? You could enjoy that slow build-up that leads to the very best sex. That’s why dating was invented: it’s the ultimate foreplay.

HER: I don’t know. I’ve been feeling very blocked around this whole scenario for some reason. I guess there are a few things swirling around in my brain. First, there’s the planning and communication thing. Usually, you make the plans and I just show up and get naked. I have a bit of a phone phobia, which seems stupid, but it’s real. I don’t like chatting. I don’t like having to take charge of figuring out the details of when and where we’ll meet. We tried to set something up with him a couple of times, but, with our complicated schedules, it just felt like too much work.

Second, there’s the risk. Do I want to be alone with someone I hardly know? Sure, he seemed nice when we had drinks, but he also mentioned he likes choking, gagging, and anal play. All of which are fine with me within reason. But what if things get out of hand? Every woman has to consider safety when she sleeps with someone new (which is one of the million reasons I’m glad I’m not dating anymore). When we swing, you’re always there so I don’t have to worry about a guy turning weird in the bedroom.

Third, he has a girlfriend who he has a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ agreement with. I know managing his relationship is his business, but I worry about coming between him and his partner if she’s not enthusiastically open. If she’s just reluctantly granting him some freedom, I don’t want to cause her any pain if this were to come out. Girl code, you know?

Finally, he’s younger than me and I’ve never been with someone who I was so attracted to. I have the standard insecurities about whether or not he’ll be into me. And, if he is, what if I like it too much? What if he’s as good in bed as he is good looking? What if I get addicted?

HIM: Honestly, for you, I hope he is awesome in bed. A big part of this for me is the idea of giving you a gift. I aspire to being a great husband, to make things possible that others wouldn’t even consider.

HER: I know. You’re ridiculously amazing.

HIM: Well, at the core of that desire is actually a pretty strong egotism. Basically, part of this whole exercise is a wager on my part. Let’s say this man is actually God’s gift to womankind in all the ways you mentioned. The likelihood that he also has his life together, and his goals aligned with yours, to the extent that he beats me as partner material is basically zero. I would be willing to bet that, even if you came home from a first date with him with stars in your eyes, wanting more, three or four dates later you would start to make excuses for not being available.

HER: What makes you so confident?

HIM: Think about our experience with Justin two years ago. He’s tall, in great shape, a charming, talented conversationalist, authentic, with an interesting career and you’ve said he’s fantastic in bed. Yet, in spite of the fact that he writes you flirty texts from time-to-time, it took you a whole year to be interested in meeting him again for a second time. If it depends on you taking the initiative, I bet the third time never happens.

HER: That’s true. But all the concerns I listed above are probably just surface worries to cover the deeper fear. I worry about what this step would mean for us. You want me to go on a date with another man, but I don’t think I’m ready to extend the same freedom to you. I don’t want an open relationship. Just a month ago you were having intense conversations with a woman online and it sounded like you were headed in the direction of meeting up for a lunch date. It made me feel threatened and I had to tell you that I didn’t want you to do it. I have zero interest in you dating anyone but me. And maybe that’s because I have more insecurities than you do, or maybe it’s just our turn-ons are different. But I believe strongly in equality, and I don’t want to set a precedent that I can’t follow through on myself.

HIM: But that’s the important thing about this. If you do something in the lifestyle with the goal of getting the same favor back, you’re doing it wrong. My intitial impulse for you to go on a date with another man was purely selfish. The idea turned me on. Fortunately, part of what turned me on was your enthusiasm for this man, so it seemed like a win/win. I wasn’t asking you to do something objectionable for my benefit. But my permission does not carry with it an obligation. It is an idea complete in itself. If you woke up one day and wanted me to go on a date with another woman, I think that would be fun. But I don’t need to do it. I already believe I have the greatest relationship in the history of the world with you.

HER: I know, and maybe that’s part of the problem. I am so happy with you that, even in the face of Mr Fantastic, I feel very little motivation to do the work to hook up with him. But we are swingers, right? So, I’m feeling stuck in this strange place: on one side, I have a sexual invitation from an incredibly hot man who turns me on like crazy; and, on the other, I have you encouraging me to do it because the thought turns you on. So I should be jumping at the opportunity. But I can’t pull the trigger. What’s wrong with me?!

HIM: I think you’re getting too tangled up in thinking about all the people and details and implications. Try to be selfish for a minute. Don’t think about me, just think greedily for your own interest. What would be your best, most fantastic outcome?

HER: I would love to have a threesome with you and him. Maybe after drinks, he and I can get started in the bedroom, like we’ve done before. When you feel ready, you can come in and either watch or get naked and participate. The problem with this is it assumes a swinging dynamic. Just because he’s in an open relationship doesn’t mean he’ll be into sharing in the bedroom.

HIM: Well, that scenario wouldn’t be my fantasy. But this is all about you.

HER: Ok. What is it, exactly, that you envision?

HIM: I would love to get a hotel and have the three of us meet in the lobby bar. After a drink, you two head up to the room and I do something else for a few hours. When I come back, you’ve got a sexy story to tell me — or maybe a video to show me — and we have amazing sex all night.

HER: That’s obviously different from the single guy scenarios we’ve explored in that you are not in the room. But it does address my concerns about planning and safety. You would be involved in the planning and would be nearby, which might limit the possibility that I’d get gagged to death. I think I could go for that.

What I don’t understand, because I don’t think I would feel it myself, is where the turn-on happens for you. You don’t get to witness or participate. How is that sexy? I think I would feel insecure about what I couldn’t see passing between you and the other woman if the tables were turned. And, if this adventure really is about US exploring our sexuality together, how does this qualify as a team sport?

HIM: In all these things for me, I think I’m trying to see your lust in its purest form. Short of killing myself and haunting your future liaisons as a ghost, this is the closest I can get to seeing your fully autonomous sexuality.

HER: That’s morbid.

HIM: You’re right. What I mean is, if I’m not there, then you can’t be checking on me. I want to see your unpreoccupied libido at play. The hotwife scenario kind of forces you to be in the moment sexually with the other man. I love that thought. If I dig a little deeper, the other thing we’ve noticed is that all of my fantasies are about getting close to the worst thing I can imagine. In my case, you are my world. Losing you would be devastating. In this scenario, we play out what would be most people’s worst nightmare, but as every daredevil knows, the closer you get to catastrophe without crossing the line, the more exhilerating it is. So, that’s what you’re doing for me. That’s what makes it about us. The risk of losing you is the element that turns me on. I couldn’t get that without you. And I am confident that we will not only survive, but come out better than ever because that’s the way it’s always worked whenever we venture into new territory. You could say I’m addicted to that rush because I know that, ultimately, I’m safe with you.

HER: I get that. I am a skier, after all. I love the rush and danger of barreling down a hill, while trusting that my skill will keep me safe. I guess I just never think of applying that kind of thrill-seeking to marriage. So, we’ll try again to set something up with sexy soccer dude. But it will have to be you, because I still can’t see me making all the arrangements. I’m sure you’re right, though: every new step we take seems scary before we take it. But the thing that never changes is us. We always go home together.

Post Script: We reached out to the actor with the “thick, wavy hair and beautiful blue eyes”, but he began to put some strange conditions around the whole situation and eventually disappeared from Twitter. It was disappointing in the short term, but in the long term we appreciated that he had given us the opportunity to explore some issues we wouldn’t have otherwise. 


  1. Jay & Kay says:

    The penultimate paragraph in this article puts my feelings into words better than I could have hoped to articulate. It’s an exhilarating experience fueled by risk and reward and it has led to more than a few inferno-hot nights in our bedroom while planning or recalling her adventures. But you’re right, it’s the confidence that she’s always excited to return home that makes it possible.

    1. Him and Her says:

      Thanks for the kind words, Jay! The lifestyle really can be a roller-coaster, but if you like the thrill of the risk, then it’s an amazing ride! Unfortunately, this particular single guy seems to have disappeared for now. But he planted the idea that has since grown into a real fantasy for HIM. We’re still open to exploring this, and HER encounter with you at Podcast-A-Palooza helped to confirm that she could, in fact, have fun on her own, and that HE can bounce back from a little sting of jealousy. So thanks for helping us test our theory!

  2. markbul says:

    I like to think that I’m as sex-postitive as anyone, and I certainly have no dog in this (figurative) fight, but this is the second time I’ve read/heard this story recently, and I need to call BS. As a guy, I recognize a man’s use of a woman for his own purposes. Back in the day, the angry feminists used to call it the objectification of women. Painful as they were, they had a point. There’s something bad that happens when you make another person (especially a person in your life) a tool of your own interests, rather than a person with their own interests.
    I’ve spent my share of time digging too far into porn, so I know what it does and where it leads. It can just be a colossal waste of time and psychic energy, but it can also lead a man (most times) into losing track of important priorities. And that’s exactly what I see happening with the ‘hotwife’ thing.
    “This is my gift to you” is right up there with “I won’t cum in your mouth” in the ‘lies men tell’ category. That’s not generosity, it’s a sell job. It puts the woman on her back foot – how can she say no to a birthday present given from the heart? In another related podcast, you can track from the first episode how the husband constantly pushed his wife to do more and more over time. This is the problem – he is never satisifed. Each new ‘sexy’ activity she partakes in just sets up a new demand – cloaked in ‘what do you think of this?’ language.

    Other people’s sex lives don’t mean squat to me – I’ve never been a moralist when it comes to fucking and sucking. But some of these ‘lifestyle’ husbands make me think of a sheepdog keeping a flock of sheep in line just by running around them and staring them back in the ‘correct’ direction. No barking is necessary – just a nudge here and there. And no doubt the sheep think it’s their idea to avoid the dog.

    Sending your wife out to be with another man alone isn’t just a different kind of sex – it’s a serious safety gamble. And perhaps we don’t hear about the problems because .. who wants to tell the cops that you sent your wife to fuck a stranger for your own masturbation fantasies, and he choked her nearly to death? The world is full of violent sexual predators – I think you’ll agree that there’s no doubt about that – and ‘the lifestyle’ is going to attract them like ya read about.

    Good luck – seriously.

  3. Him and Her says:

    Thanks for writing such a thoughtful comment. The safety issue you identify is definitely a big one that everyone who considers this line of activity should think through carefully. In our fantasy scenario, the plan was for the three of us to meet for drinks first with no sexual activity. At that stage we would learn his real name. At a second meet-up, all three of us would connect in a hotel bar first, and then the two of them would go up to our room while I disappeared for a few hours. Women have ‘one night stands’ with strange men all the time. This would be the same as that, with the added dimension of my involvement at the beginning and the end. That doesn’t make for a guarantee of safety, but we both felt comfortable with the plan.

    As for the issue of implicit or explicit coercion, everyone has to deal with that in their relationships. When it comes to fantasy fulfillment, we always have to ask ourselves if we are taking advantage of our partner’s generous nature. There is never a clear answer to that question, only our intuition. In this case, I saw that she had a spontaneously lustful reaction to this man. To my mind, all that was standing in the way of her enjoying him was a societal prohibition against women pursuing pleasure for its own sake. If I had felt she was doing it just to make me happy it would have ruined the whole experience for me.

  4. Katie says:

    Hello! You’ve left me hanging….. “To be continued” on Sept. 17, 2018, but it has been nearly five months! Whatever happened with this hottie and his amazing accent (among other assets)?? Honestly, this conversation between the two of you could have been one that my hubby and I had probably six or seven years ago, when I hooked up (by myself) with a guy I really had feelings for. As soon as he’s done making our dinner, I will have hubby read this. (See how this hotwife puts her man to work?) 😉

    Seriously, though, there are so many parts of this post that resonate with hubby and me and our whole situation. If you update your end, I would be happy to share our experiences that are similar.


    1. Him and Her says:

      Unfortunately, as seems to happen too often with ‘single guys,’ the communication dropped off after a month or so and he disappeared. Which is fine. I was really fighting my gut on this one, which seemed to be screaming “don’t do it!” As sexy as he was, I’d rather not push through that level of internal resistance. With every successful encounter we’ve had, it’s felt right and easy. I’ll wait for that feeling to come (it it ever does) with the hotwifing too.

      Thanks for reading!

  5. Vambana says:

    As a single man,I can tell you with all of my experience,that he disappeared because he had sense that you as a couple had insecurities in your marriage which led it to not happen when the time was right.Sorry to say that,but it’s the reality in your situation.No one could make it happen,for reasons obvious.He’s a human being,so he knows what happens when the flirt starts until it comes to a date or time of meet up for the deed(sex).
    Safety is very important for the wife’s sake,but the guy planned it in the way most of man in the swingers lifestyle do it.He takes the wife and meet in the hotel lobby or bar together,after one or two drinks gives his wife signal to ask the guy, if he(single guy)to come up stairs with her.Usually the husband stays in the bar or just go around for a walk in this beautiful city for about an hour or an hour and half and goes back to the hotel bar and wait until the wife shows up after she is done with the guy.Most of the time she send the videos,pics of all sexual activity,sending him on the edge of ejaculating in his pants.In my understanding safety wasn’t big issue,it is the wife concern that if she goes on date with hottie accent hunk from down under,the husband would want to go out with other women in return.Everybody in this lifestyle knows perfectly,a cuckold gets pleasure in return,which doesn’t always happen with cuckoldress.
    I would like to empathize what Markbul wrote,yes it happens a lot in this lifestyle,where the husbands are very push,to get their own pleasure regardless she likes the guy or not.In this situation nothing shows he’s pushing her to go see(date) the guy,instead is making arrangements to facilitates for the meeting,that’s-all he was doing.That’s exactly what I should do if I was in the same situation.
    Now,I want to go back to Markbul:
    Mark,when you mention the podcasts,we all know what happens in the swingers lifestyle with all of this podcasts which I applaud because they are educational,specially for couples who want to tip their toes or dive in.We should be honest when commenting or leaving reviews on blogs and podcast.The podcast you are referring here,belongs to the couple who commented ahead of you(Jay and Kay)That couple next door.Jay isn’t the only pushy husband,there is another couple podcaster,who the wife called him crazy and annoying for asking her if the man from other couples they played with had bigger penis after every time they played,on their drive back home.
    Don’t worry,there are plenty of women who knows how stand their ground,and Kay from That couple next door is one of them.
    We love you Kay.


    1. Him and Her says:

      Wow! That’s a lot to respond to. I think you’re right that we have some insecurities around the idea of ‘hot-wifing’, and maybe that does indicate some insecurities in our relationship. Or maybe it just means it’s not something we’re ready for at this point in our swinging journey. I imagine it will take a combination of the right circumstances and the right guy to make us both feel comfortable and excited about moving forward with it, but we haven’t quite found that yet.

      As for the podcasters, you’re right that Jay and Kay from are amazing. You might say that my night with them was our first hot-wifing experience, in that Mike sent me off to have sex with someone else while he stayed in our room. And we were able to do that because we immediately trusted and were attracted to them. And Jay was never pushy. As for the other podcast you mention, I don’t know which one it is, but maybe knowing about the other guy’s cock size was part of his turn-on. For some people, the little sting of humiliation is hot. I don’t judge them for that, unless he uses it as a weapon against his partner later and makes her feel bad about sleeping with bigger guys.

      Anyway, thanks so much for reading and taking the time to talk back!

  6. Bob says:

    Also could be that the guys wife wasn’t as on board as he said…

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