HIM: The lifestyle, like life in general, offers a never-ending menu of new things to try. Back in February, we went to a hotel takeover that gave us a chance to explore a formerly minor curiosity that is rapidly becoming a major obsession: bondage.

HER: I was excited to learn that a few close friends would also be at the takeover, including Maria and Dominic whose wedding we attended in Italy last summer. We know they’re as enthusiastic about impact play as we are, so we decided to attend a seminar on BDSM together.

HIM: I was really interested in this presentation. We’ve been exploring spanking and flogging for years and are always open to learning more. Unfortunately, the room was pretty sterile and the presenter was pretty dull. She seemed bored, actually, and didn’t dress the part at all. Nothing’s worse than an unsexy sex educator. In spite of all that, I sensed you were getting into it.

HER: Every time I see anyone engaging in impact play, my clit gets a little tingly. I loved that the room was equipped with a couple of spanking benches as well as two St. Andrew’s Crosses. These are things we don’t usually have access to, unless we’re at a club, so I was anxious to try them out, especially if we were going to have an audience. Adding Maria and Dominic to the mix would only make it more of a turn-on.

HIM: As soon as the seminar was over, we headed to a sex shop conveniently located a block down the street from the hotel. We realized that we would need some accessories if we were going to take full advantage of what the dungeon had to offer. Number one on the list was a large flogger like the kind the seminar presenter had used. We had inexplicably left our regular flogger at home, so we figured a heavier one would be a nice compliment to our growing collection of gear. Unfortunately, they didn’t have any good quality ones in stock. Second on the list were wrist and ankle restraints to get the most out of the bondage furniture. That proved easier. The clerk showed us a number of different types before we settled on a set that looked both comfortable and sufficiently menacing. This shopping trip was a highlight for me. I love sex shops. I love talking matter-of-factly with women (they’re almost always women, aren’t they?) about extremely personal things.

HER: Yeah, that is your sexuality in a nutshell right there. I, on the other hand, find it mildly uncomfortable. That’s why I like buying things online so much.

HIM: We ended up getting a set of ankle and wrist restraints, as well as a collar with a leash. These accessories would bring a new dimension to an experience we’ve already had. I’ve spanked and flogged you many times before, sometimes even with an audience watching, but you’ve always had the freedom to simply get up and walk away. There’s something about the whole situation that doesn’t add up. The BDSM scene is about consensual violence, when it comes right down to it, a total oxymoron if ever there was one.  There’s something inherently artificial about striking someone who either isn’t fighting back or outright fleeing. I think the restraints at least add a veneer of authenticity to a scenario that is essentially fake.

HER: Well, the scenario might be fake, but the feelings aren’t. I tend to take the lead in a lot of sexual situations, especially when we are initiating play with other people. But when you buckle me into that collar, it’s like a mental switch flips and I give up all control to you. It’s transformative.

HIM: One theory is that women enjoy bondage situations for a very specific — very unfashionable — reason. Traditionally, proper women aren’t supposed to like sex, but if they are tied up and forced into it, then proper women can claim to have had no choice in the matter.

HER: Sounds like mansplaining to me. I think it’s about exploring some of our deepest fears in a safe way. The presenter talked about using BDSM as a therapeutic way to explore her own trauma from her physically abusive childhood. And, as I’ve written about before, I think every woman carries some of that innate fear of being sexually or physically abused at the hands of men. To put yourself in a situation where you are both completely vulnerable and completely safe — knowing that you are in control by voluntarily giving up control — is an exhilarating way to both give up and take back your power.

HIM: Unfortunately, when we went back to the dungeon later that night, the setting was not very exhilarating. The space looked exactly like a break-out room for corporate meetings — all fluorescent lights and mass-production art — except that there were various bondage structures where the conference table should have been. It looked like some poor sales rep was going to be punished by their regional manager for bad fourth quarter results, but I guess you just have to make do with what you have. Maria and Dominic claimed a spanking bench at one end of the room and we took one at the other. I fastened you in and began warming you up by spanking your upper thighs and shoulders lightly with my hand and a belt, working my way gradually to your ass and pussy. In spite of the setting, I found it really sexy. As a bit of an audience began to gather, I started striking you harder. Then came the moment that I always love: pulling your panties down as the intensity increases.

HER: I was wearing a thong — there was literally zero fabric getting in the way.

HIM: I know, I think it’s the idea of infantilizing you that amps up the arousal factor for me. It actually only works because I respect you so much, because you’re so smart and accomplished. Doing the same thing to a woman with low self-esteem would feel gross. It would also feel gross if I was pushing for it. Can you imagine me saying to you, “Baby, I’d really like to hit you”, and you reluctantly agreeing? Everything about that seems wrong. You’re actually coming to this whole situation from a position of power: we’re only doing it because you want it, enthusiastically. In that context I can treat you like a child and the whole scenario feels both healthy and super-transgressive at the same time. Does that make sense?

HER: I have lots of daddy fantasies, so I get it. I was loving the extra dimension of being attached to the spanking bench. When I looked over and saw Maria and Dominic were watching us, I got even more excited. I immediately asked you to set me free as I saw them walking over. I was very turned on by this point and wanted to mix things up a little. I basically accosted Dominic and guided him to a massage table in the middle of the room. As we kissed, I backed us toward the table and sat on it with my legs wrapped around him. I was completely naked at this point, so he didn’t need a written invitation: he grabbed a condom, slid it on and dove in. I love having sex with another man who obviously isn’t my husband in front of an audience.

HIM: I love it too, as you know. At the same time, I manoeuvred Maria over to the St. Andrew’s Cross and clipped her into position. Although I had been with her many times, I had never spanked her before. I enjoyed teasing her and slowly building the intensity as we both snuck peeks at our spouses getting it on.

HER: As good at sex as Dominic is, I was never going to come getting fucked while leaning back on a table. So as soon as I felt satisfied that we had put on a decent show for the little crowd that had gathered, we wrapped it up and walked over to see what you and Maria were up to. The sight of her attached to the cross with her perfect ass thrust out really turned me on. I immediately got on my knees and began licking her.

HIM: And I immediately said a prayer of thanks to whichever gods were presiding over the meeting room dungeon and started taking pictures. It’s tricky when there are other people in the room who you have to assume are concerned about their privacy. I did my best to position myself so it would be obvious to everyone that no one else was being photographed. My only regret was that I didn’t press the video button on my phone. It was an encounter that deserved to be shared.

HER: Well, I was oblivious to all that. I was determined to make Maria come. I have given her oral a few times in the past, but this was the first time from behind, which added an extra degree of difficulty. I have to say, I love eating pussy, and making other women come is one of my favorite lifestyle activities. I love the challenge of it. Every woman likes things a little different, and I think I’m getting good at reading their signals. Once I had achieved my mission with Maria (at the cost of rug burn on my knees), I suggested we all head down to the pool to cool off. We fooled around there for a bit. I sucked the cock of one of our other friends while he stood on the deck above the hot tubs in front of an appreciative audience, which was fun. Then we headed back to our room for what I knew would be more great sex.

HIM: While we enjoy playing with other people, we generally have to return to each other to come after we get all worked up in these situations. And sure enough, we both had pretty spectacular orgasms in our room with the curtains open to the pool courtyard. When you think about it, that was a lot of foreplay, from the afternoon seminar to shopping at the sex store to our fun in the meeting room dungeon. So tell me: what’s your verdict on the whole bondage thing?

HER: I love it. In fact, we ordered a custom spanking bench, heavy handmade leather flogger, and two-layer leather slapper from the craftsman who supplied the dungeon, so we’ve been using our time in COVID quarantine to really explore some of these kinks, and I’m having so much fun. Next, I would love it if you would learn how to tie me up like a Japanese rope master.

HIM: Baby, there are a dozen things I’m trying to get better at in life: playing piano, taking photographs, pretending to be interested in what boring people have to say, etc. I’m not young enough to add mastering yet another complicated skillset to the list. I feel like I would have to invest a lot of time and effort just to be mediocre at tying you up. I would rather send you to a professional who could give you a first-class experience. Preferably in a proper dungeon.

HER: Um, yes please!

Him and Her

Liam & Kate are a married couple, very much in love, writing honestly and insightfully about their adventures in the world of non-monogamy.

www.themonogamishmarriage.com