HIM: We have done so many amazing things in our lifestyle adventure – threesomes, foursomes, orgies, and more.
HER: And we’ve done them in fascinating places — at swinger parties, sex clubs, and lifestyle vacation resorts, here in Canada and in other countries around the world.
HIM: We’ve been really lucky. I feel grateful for everything we’ve experienced together. If I’m ever feeling down, I just remember that most people will leave this earth never having experienced even one of those things.
HER: I feel the same way. Recently, though, I’ve been thinking about all the things we haven’t done yet, and I realized there’s one thing I’ve been yearning for more than anything else: I want to spend a weekend away with another woman.
HIM: Oh, okay, I didn’t see that coming. I’m going to need details. How would you go about making that happen?
HER: That’s partly how I know this is for real: I’m excited by the prospect of simply looking for this woman. In the past, you’ve done all our online searching for other couples, and I was happy to let you. But this would be entirely about what I want. I guess I would start by setting up an account on a site like Feeld or Her. I think I’d love combing through profiles, going on dates, and finding the perfect combination of smart, thoughtful, sexy, and fun-loving.
HIM: I can definitely see you getting caught up in that. You’re a researcher by nature. You can’t buy a pair of sports socks without sizing up every option available on the entire internet. But I think it’s interesting that you’re even talking about undertaking a search, rather than simply taking an existing relationship to the next level. Let’s face it, we know a lot of women who are into women.
HER: Don’t get me wrong, I love our friends. There are definitely a couple of girls I can imagine having a fun evening with, but my sense is that they’re all primarily straight. They don’t mind going down on a woman for a few minutes, they can even do it enthusiastically, but it seems like they’ve absorbed the lifestyle message that girl-on-girl action is part of the lifestyle script. I don’t get the sense they would seek out another woman purely for a female-female encounter.
HIM: But you know they may be thinking the very same thing about you.
HER: True, but I feel like I’m the only one of our group who truly longs for that kind of connection. That’s just my intuition, though.
HIM: So, tell me a little bit about this woman you want to meet. What’s she like?
HER: I imagine she’d be a bit younger, but more experienced with women than me.
HER: I feel like I’d find more women open to exploring alternative relationship styles in an age group that’s a decade or so younger than me. But that’s based on nothing. As for the more experienced part, I have had lots of straight sex — hell, I could probably teach a course on that — but I haven’t had much concentrated girl-on-girl experience. I love learning new things, and I want someone who can expand my horizons. I’d be an eager student.
HIM: And what about her appearance? Is there anything specific you’d be looking for?
HER: It’s funny: I really don’t think I have a ‘type’ of man, but there is definitely a pattern to what I am most attracted to in a woman. I’m excited by women who are a little curvy, dark-skinned, with a wild, dark mane of hair. I realize as I write this that I’m basically describing my best friend, Melissa, who has become my template for what turns me on in a woman. But, honestly, the thing that excites me most reliably, is someone who’s smart, articulate and well-read, someone who can laugh easily and doesn’t take themselves too seriously. That kind of mind can be wrapped in just about any type of body, and I’ll find it sexy.
HIM: Finding the perfect candidate probably won’t be easy. It can be hard to find good lifestyle partners when all you’re really thinking about is sex. But you’re talking about multiple levels of attraction here.
HER: I guess the ultimate would be if I could find another truly bisexual swinger, or a polyamorous woman, someone with a primary partner and family who isn’t looking for an all-consuming relationship. It could be a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement, with just as much emphasis on the ‘friends’ side as the ‘benefits’ side. To begin with, at least.
HIM: And what do you picture doing on your weekend away?
HER: We’d get a cottage on a lake, swim naked, hold hands at the farmer’s market, kiss each other in little cafes, drink lots of wine, and make each other fabulous meals. Or maybe we’d get a charming loft in a theatre town, go see a play and eat at a fancy candle-lit restaurant. Either way, we’d come back to our little nest and be free to explore all the ways you can use fingers and tongues and toys. It would be different from my lifestyle experiences with women, because it wouldn’t be simply foreplay or for the voyeuristic pleasure of men.
HIM: I think the part that turns me on the most — more than even picturing the two of you naked in bed – is imagining you holding hands at the farmer’s market. Something about that level of openness in public thrills me. Call me a romantic! But obviously, this wouldn’t just end with one weekend away. If it worked well, you’d want to repeat it, see where it takes you. You’re talking about something that transcends sexual play. You’re talking about an emotional connection.
HER: You know, I’ve been calling myself a bisexual for years because I’m so attracted to women. I’ve licked a lot of pussies, but I’ve always felt like a bit of an imposter because I haven’t had a proper relationship with a female. I guess what I’d really like to explore is what I had a little taste of with Melissa in the couple months before you came along. We went to restaurants, art openings, and raves. We spent afternoons exploring the city and shopping for sex toys. Then we’d go back to her place and get naked. It was seamless and beautiful. I guess I want a little of that again.
HIM: That would be a real change to our relationship. I’m not saying that’s bad – in fact, I’m pretty sure it would be good for us — but it would be a different dynamic.
HER: I know. I’m basically describing a poly situation, which is something I’ve never wanted. I love spending time with you. It’s the one thing I’m jealous about: your time. So, I don’t know how it would fit into our life. The texting. The cottage getaway.
HIM: Last night you spent an hour in the bath: it wouldn’t have hurt me if you spent that time texting your girlfriend. Last summer you did a five day writing retreat by yourself: it wouldn’t have hurt me if you shared your bed each night with a woman you loved. I’ve never wanted to own your time in some 19th century kind of way. In fact, imaging those scenarios makes the time we already spend apart seem more alive, more exciting.
HER: Of course, this is all highly hypothetical. I may not be able to find the right woman, so getting into specifics seems premature. But what I know for sure, is I would never want to do anything to jeopardize the amazing connection we have.
HIM: I think we’re good at handling dynamic situations. We’d figure it out. The value of our relationship should be obvious on it’s own, not because it has nothing to compare itself to. As a kind of test run, have you ever thought of doing a weekend getaway with a group of women?
HER: Funny, that came up recently in Jay & Kay’s ‘That Couple Next Door’ chat group. I have to admit, it got my mind racing. I imagine it would be a little bit like that time at our pool party when we had the spontaneous seven-woman orgy that collapsed our giant air mattress. It was all boobs and mouths and pussies and softness. I loved it. But the all-girl retreat would be a typical swinger experience: all about sex and casual connection. I would have a great time, no doubt, but what I’m picturing when I talk about a one-on-one weekend has more of a relationship feel to it. I guess what I imagine is having a girlfriend. Woah! Does that scare you?
HIM: Not at all. In fact, it excites me. But we probably need to be a little bit careful: the world is full of people who regret things now that looked awesome when they first started. Relationships take time and energy, and you don’t know what chain reaction might be set off inside you if you actually fell in love with another woman. So, what is it that you think you’re after deep down? Surely, it’s about more than qualifying for membership in the International Order of Certified Bisexuals.
HER: I’m not sure. I haven’t given it much thought before now. All I know is that when I started thinking about possible experiences, imagining this scenario hit me in a powerful way. I want to be a woman who says yes to her dreams, rather than analyzing herself right out of them. You are right, though. Seeing other people has risks. This could potentially throw us off-balance, and I don’t want that.
HIM: Well, I’m not worried. I’m confident in us as a team, in our ability to adapt. I am your biggest fan, and I love seeing you following your desire fearlessly. After all, that’s what brought you to me in the first place. We wouldn’t be together if you hadn’t walked away from two previous marriages with no guarantees.
Her: I guess the other thing that holds me back is the feeling that this is unfair. I’ve always told you I’d be uncomfortable if you dated someone else, yet here I am talking about doing exactly that. It feels pretty hypocritical.
HIM: As you know, I don’t like the concept of IOU’s in the lifestyle. If you’re interested in something, I want you to pursue it. I shouldn’t be calculating how it could pay off for me in the future, how I could leverage it to get you to agree to something you don’t want. My job as your partner is simply to consider each idea on its merits, not its implications.
HER: Actually, now that we’re talking about it, I wouldn’t mind if you had a boyfriend. My resistance was always to the possibility of you having a girlfriend. For some reason, I see same-sex relationships as less threatening. That may be naïve of me, but it probably explains why I feel so unconflicted about wanting a girlfriend.
HIM: While I like the idea in concept — the easy sensuality, the multi-layered friendship — my level of interest is not the same as yours. I’ll let you know if that changes. For now, I’m happy to have a front-row seat for your adventure. It fits perfectly with my ideal for our marriage: a place where passion flourishes, not where it’s kept in a cage made of rules and obligations.
Liam & Kate are a married couple, very much in love, writing honestly and insightfully about their adventures in the world of non-monogamy.