HER: Exactly one year, three months — and one pandemic — since our last trip to Desire, we were excited about returning for four days in June. We had been looking forward to a blissful reunion with Jay & Kay from the TCND (‘That Couple Next Door’) podcast and their friends from DC almost since the last trip ended. I loved how we had created our own little paradise within paradise, whether we were enjoying a soul-baring conversation or a free-for-all orgy. I had known from the moment I met Jay & Kay back in 2018 that they were my kind of people. They’re sweet and smart and funny, and their friends turned out to be, universally, the same. I loved them all.

HIM: I loved them too, and for all the same reasons. However, I had a harder time integrating with them as a group than you did last year. I prefer one-on-one or two-on-two situations in the lifestyle because I’m naturally curious about people. I love to listen to their experiences and share my own. But with larger groups, I struggle to find a way in, even when I think all the individuals in the group are awesome human beings. This kind of situation highlights one of the key differences between us: I don’t know how else to say this except that you know how to be one of the cool kids. You can join in on noisy games, make dirty jokes, and generally play the role of party girl. I find being the male equivalent difficult and a little depleting. It just doesn’t feel authentic to who I am.

HER: That was obvious. You were quiet and withdrawn, choosing to stay over on our daybed or even go back to the room when I went to hang out with the group. They had commandeered the poolside palapa (a large circular canopied outdoor bed that could hold 20 people) and it became the social hub for the entire trip. I found myself having to answer the question, “Where’s Liam?” several times a day. It made me sad to feel that you weren’t showing them your best self: the charming, sexy, eloquent man who had swept me off my feet. I had hoped this year would be different for you — both socially and sexually — seeing these people for the second time, but I was frustrated to see you retreating again.

HIM: I know that was how it looked, but I was fine. I was making connections in my own way, finding people at moments on their own and engaging with them. I think I’m pretty good at spotting those opportunities and making the most of them.

HER: I agree, you are good at that, but sometimes I think you use those connections to hide from other possibilities. A couple of days into the trip, for example, I was again in the palapa with the group. As I remember it, one of the girls was getting a massage and making appreciative sounds, which was getting the whole group turned on. Someone said it was too bad we weren’t allowed to have an orgy right there by the pool, to which I replied that I knew exactly where we could have one: on the daybeds by the rooftop hot tub. It took about a second and a half for everyone to agree that that was a great idea. You and Jay were missing, however, so my first thought was Liam has to be part of this. I sent you two texts, and, when you didn’t respond, I told everyone to go ahead up to the hot tub and I’d join them soon. I ran back to get you and found you sitting outside our room with Jay, deep in conversation.

HIM: It actually was a deep conversation. We were talking about our childhoods. Jay has a very dramatic story that I had somehow never heard before. We were connecting in the manner I love: going beyond his memories of the past to explore the repercussions in the present. I really felt I was coming to understand him better by learning about the boy he had been. So, when you arrived on the scene to tell me we had to hurry up to get to an orgy, it came completely out of left field.

HER: I get that, but what can I say: the decision to go for it had been a totally spontaneous one by the pool. We had just been chilling when it came up rather suddenly. I texted you as soon as I knew about it myself. I figured, if I could fly into action, you could do it too.

HIM: But baby, the decision to have an orgy may have seemed spontaneous to you, but it was the culmination of all the touching and flirting that came before it. All those moments were subconsciously getting you ready for a sexual experience that you didn’t consciously know was coming. But I didn’t have the benefit of all that build-up. I’m just a guy having an intimate conversation with another guy about his childhood, and wham — suddenly it’s orgy time!

HER: When I told you guys what was about to go down, Jay basically bolted upright and ran in the direction of the hot tub. He didn’t have any more warning than you did.

HIM: Jay is clearly a different person with completely different wiring than me. He’s basically good to go at the drop of a dime, anytime, anywhere. Honestly, there are times when I wish I was more like him, but I’m not. I need a little more lead time.

HER: I could see it was taking you a moment to shift gears, but I was afraid they were going to start without me. So, I ducked into our room, grabbed my swinger bag and said I’d go ahead and you could join us when you were ready. The rooftop hot tub, which tends to get busy before dinner, was still quiet when I got there, and we had the place mostly to ourselves. Our group claimed two beach beds in the far corner, and I promptly got things started with Nate. I sucked his cock and then knelt on the edge of the bed so he could do me doggy style. I watched as Jay got busy with Vanessa on the next bed, and then had the most lovely distraction when Nate’s wife, Liv, snuggled up beside me. I was on my back now, and I held her close and kissed her while her husband hovered over us both, thrusting into me. She has the softest skin, and I just wanted to melt into her.

HIM: Meanwhile, I’m frozen in place. I’m thinking that orgy etiquette demands that I shower and shave, but that if I did, the whole thing might be over by the time I arrived.

HER: With the late afternoon sun baking us, I was covered in sweat. I tapped out of my time with Nate and Liv so I could towel off, the whole time glancing at the stairs, imagining you’d appear any minute. You had missed seeing me with one of the guys, but I wanted you to be there for the rest. I know you like to watch me having sex, and I was just getting started.

HIM: Watching you is the easy part, but now I was also wondering who might be expecting to have sex with me. If I did manage to shower and shave, and get there before the orgy was over, could I just arrive cold and perform? Not in this slice of the multiverse.

HER: Well, I had no idea you were experiencing your own special brand of negativity spiral. I was now fully into it. Once dry, I took a spot on the other bed beside Jay and Vanessa. This is one of my favorite parts of group play. I love flitting between different sexual situations. I stroked Vanessa’s legs and breasts and Jay’s chest as he did her from above. Vanessa’s husband, Chris, was standing by watching. I caught his eye and motioned him over to me. I think he was caught off guard, but he went to work looking for a condom. While I waited, pussy presented, Kay came over and started licking me. When Chris joined her at the side of the bed, I spread my legs wide so they could both get in on it. There was lots of laughter and fun, and I realized this was exactly why I loved this group. In the meantime, Jay finished with Vanessa. The two of them got up and Kay lay down in their spot. She was quickly topped by Nate. I expected Chris to enter me, now that he was alone between my legs, but he needed another minute to get the condom on. So Jay jumped the line and got in there. He was fucking me beside his wife who was getting fucked by Nate, one of his best friends. I took Kay’s hand and she squeezed mine hard as she came. That was a highlight moment for me. In what other world could I hold the hand of my friend in a moment of ecstasy while her husband is having sex with me at the same time? This life is so crazy beautiful! And I really wish you had been there to experience it with me. Where were you?

HIM: While you were having your ecstatic moment, I was really struggling. It now seemed too late to join you, and I knew you’d be upset. The last time we had the offer of an orgy with this group, I told you to go without me, but you didn’t want to be the only one alone. And, here I had left you alone.

HER: Someone did ask where you were, and Jay reported that you were back in the room working on a blog post. I quipped, “He’s missing an orgy so he can write about sex?” I was starting to feel a little upset, to be honest, but the distractions kept me from stewing about it. After Jay finished with me, I looked around for Chris. It had been his turn with me, after all, when Jay had taken his place. But Chris was now occupied with his wife, so Nate jumped over from Kay to me, going for round two. I wasn’t complaining. Nate has an open way of communicating that I find very attractive. There’s no guessing with him. You know where you stand, and we vibe nicely.  Oh, and he has an epic cock. So I grabbed my ever-present Womanizer and used it on my clit while he pushed my legs back over my head and fucked me hard. I was getting close to orgasm like that, but I couldn’t quite get over the top, so I flipped over and got into position on my stomach. I came quickly and hard.

HER cont.: Right after I came, Nate got a tap on the shoulder from Chris. It was finally his turn. Nate did the gentlemanly thing and jumped right up, handing over the well-lubricated pussy to his friend. I didn’t even have to move. I stayed on my stomach and let Chris slide in from behind. Chris was the only man there who I had not fucked before, so I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he has an exquisite cock, and was very sensitive to my signals. He quickly took me to another, even more intense orgasm. When I rolled over to face him, it sounded like he was getting close to his own orgasm. I whispered, “Are you going to come in me?” His response almost sent me into a third climax. He said, “That’s up to my wife.” Holy shit! Why is that so hot?  I gave Vanessa a smile, loving the power she had over her man. Things wrapped up (without Chris coming in me), and then we all took turns at the outdoor shower close by and headed to the bar. As we sat there, laughing and casually touching each other in the easy intimacy that comes after group play, I started to really feel your absence. Everyone else was there with their partners, enjoying this beautiful experience together. But I was alone.

HIM: When you came back to the room, I instantly knew you were angry. And I have to admit that I was angry that you were angry. I think this was one of those times when two people end up in conflict from completely understandable, yet totally incompatible, positions. You had instigated an orgy with a group of wonderful, attractive people. All I had to do was show up and enjoy, just like Jay had done. And you felt abandoned when I didn’t show.  All valid.  Except, however, that I seem to need more notice. The whole situation made me deeply uncomfortable, and no one should have to engage in sexual activity that makes them uncomfortable. So there we were.

HER: I agree you shouldn’t be forced into anything you don’t want to do. The thing that really frustrated me was you kept saying you needed more time to shift gears, and you had missed the lead-up. But that was a decision you had made. I kept encouraging you in the previous two days to engage with the group, and you kept withdrawing. So to then say that it was my fault for not giving you more warning made me angry. If you had been by the pool with me — like everyone else’s partner — you wouldn’t have missed anything. And you’ve missed out on lots of sexual opportunities in the past because you were worried about not being able to perform, but we had finally figured out a drug program that made you hard without fail. I really thought this trip would be different, that we’d finally be able to fully engage together. But here I was, in the same place I frequently find myself during an amazing sexual experience: wondering where my husband is.

HIM: You and I don’t fight in the traditional sense — there are no raised voices, no unkind words — but we end up having this intensely logical, exhaustingly nuanced explaining and re-explaining (and re-re-explaining) of our hurt feelings. It went on for an hour before dinner and hours afterward. We were making progress, but seemingly millimeter by millimeter.

HER: I actually went to dinner that night with a migraine. That’s how much I hate conflict (and I might have been dehydrated after all that sweating).  I don’t think we managed to get completely back on track until the next evening. The same group from the rooftop orgy was gathering at one of the villas for a shared MDMA experience, and I wanted to be part of it. If you’ve ever tried it before, you’ll know what I mean when I say I was looking forward to having an orgy without the sex. MDMA makes you feel sensual without necessarily feeling sexual. After my less-than-ideal experience with MDMA the year before, I thought I might do better with a half dose in a chill environment rather than the disco. We all stayed naked in the villa pool, reveling in the experiences of our friends as they each came up at different times and expressed their high in different ways. Everyone was feeling very loving and connected, and I loved the heightened emotions we were all sharing so openly. At one point Kay and I wandered naked out into the waves and  just enjoyed holding each other close: stroking each other’s hair, pressing our naked bodies together,  kissing and laughing. Eventually, we went back to the beach bed and scissored until we were exhausted. Everything felt amazing! We joked that this was the moment we fell in love.

HIM: As one of the few people who didn’t partake of the drug, I was interested to observe its effects on everyone else. I saw people appreciating each other in deep ways, combining for moments in twos and threes before rearranging themselves into new patterns of connection on the beach beds. Everyone saw the beauty of what was happening between you and Kay in the surf, and I asked if I would be interfering too much if I shot some video. I knew I was witnessing something rare and precious, and I didn’t want to let it just slip away. You both said yes, and I felt privileged to capture something as fleeting as a flickering flame. When your time with Kay had played itself out, I joined you on the beach bed for some very intense fucking. I was so turned on, and you were so languid that I finally felt like we had fully reconnected.  I remember coming on your tummy next to Nate and Liv who were too blissed out to notice what was going on right beside them. So much for the ‘orgy without sex’!

HER: By this time it was getting late and I wanted to get to the glow night party. I went back into the villa to find my clothes, but I was so distracted that I started dancing to the music after only finding my bikini bottoms.

HIM: Once again, I shot some video to commemorate the moment. It was so beautiful, maybe more so because of the tension that had invaded our own little paradise within paradise.

Him and Her

Liam & Kate are a married couple, very much in love, writing honestly and insightfully about their adventures in the world of non-monogamy.

www.themonogamishmarriage.com